Wish you were here
June 26th, 2005
Endicott sent a postcard from Italy. It was addressed to me in my full married name. Do you think he is ready to let go? No, I don’t think so.
I was a little freaked out by the card because I didn’t know he had my new address. It took a few seconds before I realized he got it from our divorce papers. So much for hiding out! I give it one month before he drops by my apartment uninvited. Ugh…Now I’ll have to move again. It is a good thing I only signed a six-month lease.
Here’s what he wrote:
Dear F:
In Italy, Florence the city is known as Firenza (a name upgrade for you). I have about 360 pictures on the camera so far and will load them to disk soon and take many more so it has been real helpful. Hope you are doing well. Wish you were here.
Love always — Endicott
Since you probably don’t speak ‘Endicott’ allow me to translate the above message for you:
In Italy, Florence the city is known as Firenza (a name upgrade for you).
The ‘name upgrade’ refers to our fights over the condescending way he speaks to me. The entire course of our relationship, he addressed me through the following names: Flo, Flobee, (the occassional) Flo-Jo, Bun, Bun-Bun, Bun Head, Bunny, Bunny Bun-Bun, Bunny Baby, Baby.
As soon as I moved out, that changed. He began calling me Florence. Not just Florence, but Floor-rents. As in Floor-rents, you’ve been bad! Bad doggie! Bad doggie, Floor-rents! Outside, Floor-rents! Outside, now!…I love dogs, but I don’t like being spoken to as one that just pooped on the kitchen floor. So, Endicott, you can call me Flo or Florence. One more Floor-rents and I’m changing my phone number, you condescending jackass.
I have about 360 pictures on the camera so far and will load them to disk soon and take many more so it has been real helpful.
He borrowed the digital camera from me. Its one of my money wasting expenditures he likes to yell at me about. When he makes a purchase, like the surround sound speakers he bought three years ago that are still sitting unopened in a box in the back corner of his house, its all good. When I buy something, it is a waste of money. (What me bitter? Oh yes.) He yells at me about money, but is perfectly happy to make use of my stuff when it suits him.
Hope you are doing well.
Okay, that was sincere, so no snippy comments from me.
Wish you were here.
Yeah, that was sincere, too. He really likes me when he’s not spitting mad at me.
Love always — Endicott
I bet that’s true, too. But seriously, dude, you have to let go. Its over.
I know it’s hard to believe, but I’m not always pissed off at Endicott. Check out this email I got from him yesterday:
I had tradidtional Viennese food with Uncle Carlo…he is an old Simon Le Bon and der Komissar in one trippy package. Rock Me Amadeus!
Now that’s the Endicott I knew and fell in love with many, many moons ago. He was fun, and sometimes so damn funny it hurt. I hope he gets back to that happy place soon. That’s the Endicott I wish I was with.
Write me — that includes the old Endicott, too,
Flo
2 Comments Add your own
1. Teresa | August 29th, 2005 at 11:52 am
What should I do. Divorced 1.5 years. Was married 18years. I’ve started dating. He hates it. Wants me/doesnt want me - doesn’t want me with anyone else. VERY CONFUSED and tired of games. What do I do?
2. Flo | September 4th, 2005 at 7:35 pm
Hi Teresa,
I wish I could tell you what to do. I’m still trying to figure out MY next step, whatever the heck that is! So you might not want to turn to me for advise!
For myself, I try to make decisions based on what’s best for me. That sounds completely obvious, but for many years that’s not how I made decisions. I usually reacted to whatever Endicott said, without giving much thought to my own feelings, or needs. When he said I didn’t love him/appreciate him, I didn’t question why he would say those things. I thought if he doesn’t see how much I care for him, I’ll just have to prove it.
It wasn’t until a few years ago that I finally got why he’d say I didn’t love him. It was about pushing my buttons, getting me upset, making it easier to manipulate my emotions and ultimately control me. Anyone — no matter how nice he seems to everyone else outside the marriage — who operates that way, is bad for me. That kind of person doesn’t respect me, or our relationship. If he did, he wouldn’t need to f*ck with my head.
All I’ve really figured out is that I have no interest in seeing anyone who can’t love and appreciate me the way I am. For now, that’s enough to move forward.
I hope you can move forward, too.
Best,
Flo
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