Archive for July, 2005
I haven’t posted in awhile thanks to major funkiness (not the good kind you can dance to) between myself and my soon to be ex-husband, Endicott. I guess the lack of posts set off an alarm answered by several very sweet people I think of as the SuperFriends. Okay, that name is already taken, but you get the idea. They checked up on me, and wrote supportive notes that have really helped shake off the funk. Here are a few of my (slightly edited) favorites:
Sweetie # 1:
Wow …. you must be busy, given the time lapse between postings. But it sounds like you need to put all the pieces together. Get it together girl. What you obviously need is a new man. Although the problem there is that if you don’t find one then you stress over that, which just adds to the stress. Yikes …. what a vicious circle.
Anyway, stay away from geologists, they spend too much time looking for your faults (very bad geologist joke). Well, this e-mail is certainly not helping. I think I had better stop right here before I really irritate you.
Sweetie # 2:
I always found chilaquiles at gilberts to help immensely with funk. Have you had margaritas for breakfast? Yum!
Also, you need to come to SD so we can find you a diversion.
It’s hard to go with the Flo, um, I mean flow (sorry, dangit!), and don’t I know it. But it will turn around for you Flo, I just know it. You are such a great person and deserve so much. I’m not sure what this waiting game is so much of the time, but it probably exists for a reason (yeah, to make us wallow and squirm)…Stumbles and fumbles on the way, to be sure (brace yourself for a plethora of sniveling)……
Now get over here!..I’m breaking out the blender.
And lets not leave out the super sweet people who make me go out even though I’m Little Miss Cranky Pants these days. Who knew backyard BBQs, lounging by the pool, and surf lessons REALLY work at clearing up the funk?!
But more than anything, ladies and gentlemen, your thoughtful, caring words have really helped me.
PS Even Endicott was nice to me today. Wow.
July 29th, 2005
I’m a little bummed out today. Funky as I feel right now, this is nothing compared to yesterday. I was in a full-blown meltdown because I spent the morning with my soon to be ex-husband, Endicott.
It makes me sad to see that he hasn’t moved on. He still looks at me the same loving way, and invites me to spend the day with him at the beach, or out to movies. I decline his offers, but he just doesn’t understand why I keep saying no. Gee, could it be that I won’t date him because I’m divorcing him?! Come on, Endicott!
There are the inappropriate personal questions, his confusion over my angry response, and worst of all the guilt. He just looked crushed and on the verge of tears the entire time I was with him yesterday. Then there were the calls on my cell phone afterwards; I answered the calls but the caller said nothing. I’m sure it was a coincidence, right? Ugh.
The whole thing was just bad. But I guess it’ll be that way for awhile.
I just hope Endicott doesn’t react the way a friend of a friend did after his divorce. This man, we’ll just call him Will, was still hung up on his ex-wife seven years later. Seven years, ladies! Can you imagine how much it must suck to be him? Or worse, how much it sucks to be her?
I’m going back to bed. Wake me up when it’s all over.
July 22nd, 2005
Yesterday was the day Endicott, my soon to be idiotexhusband, was supposed to return to town. I didnâ€™t harp on it (much) but I was stressed out about it. I fully expected him to get off the plane and call me. Or take a cab straight to my apartment. Or even worse, drive around town trying to find me. I seem to think a lot of myself, right?
While it appears that I donâ€™t lack self-esteem, I actually do (more than youâ€™ll ever know). However, when it comes to Endicott, Iâ€™m sure of one thing: he would take me back. I could call him right now and heâ€™d forgive me (for the short-term, anyway) for the last seven months of separation. Heâ€™d happily pick me up and weâ€™d return to where we left off in our miserable marriage.
Throughout this separation, Iâ€™ve come to realize many people are in equally unhappy marriages. Theyâ€™d never admit it to me, but its obvious theyâ€™d leave their spouses if they could afford it, if they didnâ€™t have children, or if they thought they could find a better partner. Itâ€™s a sad reality that some people choose to stay in strained and struggling relationships because itâ€™s a known quantity. The Pearl Jam song, â€œA Better Man,â€ comes to mind.
I havenâ€™t told anyone this, but in the last several weeks, Iâ€™ve given much thought to reconciliation with Endicott. I know it sounds crazy, but as unhappy as I was, I was (mostly) secure. I loved where I lived, I had a comfortable lifestyle, and no matter how pissed off I was with him, I knew Endicott loved me. To be loved, even by the wrong person, and in the wrong situation, sometimes feels safer than being alone.
Also, thereâ€™s that whole matter of guilt. I feel bad about leaving him. I feel that I owe him so much that the only way I could possibly pay him back is by staying with him. What I forgot, until recently, was that Endicott and I should never have been married in the first place. He should have been a fling. He was really a distraction from a love affair I never fully dealt with.
Donâ€™t get me wrong, that relationship is so over and dead that itâ€™s kind of a moot point to deal with it now. At the time it fell apart, I was so hurt that I ran away from it and refused to address it. Out of heartache and loneliness, or whatever you want to call it ‘cuz I’m still not sure myself, I turned to Endicott. The next seven years of my life with him lead me to this sadder, lonelier place in which I currently resideâ€¦Yet, I struggle with my decision to leave my marriage. How confused and thoroughly messed up am I? How much do I need to be alone? A lot â€“ on both counts!
With all this crappy relationship stuff on my mind, I sort of acted out last night. I drank too much, I said things that were best left unsaid but rarely are, and got into my first real fight with my best friend, and scared the crap out of a new friend. To them, I ask for forgiveness, patience and understanding. Iâ€™ll try to earn it by NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN! Also, I owe everyone in the general vicinity of La Brea Avenue between Sunset Boulevard and Franklin Avenue a huge apology for acting out in public.
In many ways, Iâ€™m lucky: no one was arrested, I didnâ€™t do anything totally unforgivable, and now I know my limits with both myself and my friends. While itâ€™s not a solution for the sadness I feel over my dying marriage, itâ€™s a small, positive step in that direction. Iâ€™m slowly finding my way back to normal.
July 14th, 2005
I saw Sydney and her family for dinner two nights ago. They invited me over to their home for a delicious spaghetti dinner. Sydney was two bites into her pasta before I grilled her for details on the Australian vacation package she won the night before. Oh yeah, and that whole meeting Julian McMahon thing.
That’s his name, right? Who am I kidding? I’m a teensy weensy bit fixated on him these days. I’m not admitting this just because my last post was a proposal/proposition to him. I’m full out proclaiming my latest movie star crush because it’s good clean fun. Also, when I’m finally ready to date again, I hope the Universe will send that kind of man my way. No more Endicotts for me, thank you very much.
Turns out that Sydney’s prize package was for a three-day stay at the Hayman Island Resort. It’s a luxurious five star resort in the Great Barrier Reef in Australia. Unfortunately, the prize did not include airfare. If you knew Sydney, you’d know how funny that is. She has many friends in Australia she is dying to see, but she’s waiting for a good deal on an airfare to make it happen. Of course, when she wins a trip to Australia it doesn’t include the flight! It was nice to have won the prize, but it’ll probably be awhile before she has a chance to use it.
Here’s another thing you don’t know about Sydney: she knows everybody. I shouldn’t have been surprised when she said she met Julian once before, but I was. A friend of hers briefly dated him. Her girlfriend took Sydney to Julian’s place and introduced them to each other. It was a short-lived connection, but Saturday night they were reunited. And a round-trip fare aside, it felt so good.
Apparently, Julian is a bit of a player so that relationship with Sydney’s girlfriend quickly bit the dust. Can you believe a sexy, successful, single actor is getting a lot of action in Los Angeles? Tall, chiseled men in LA are pretty potent on the dating scene, but add in wealth and fame, and it has got to be non-stop sex. When does the man have time to work? Quite frankly, I’m shocked, shocked I tell you! I guess I won’t hold my breath waiting for Julian to call me. I’ll just have to add him to my list of hot movie star crushes that’ll never, ever happen. So far, here’s what I’ve got:
George Clooney: When hell freezes over.
Brad Pitt: Pigs will fly first.
Julian Mc Mahon: I think I made myself clear.
Clive Owen: Won’t hold my breath.
Ingo Rademacher: Intense longing won’t help me here.
He’s the supremely hot Aussie actor on General Hospital. There’s only one, ladies, you know who I mean. By the way, I had an internship on GH over four years ago, and I can vouch that he looks even better in person. Tall, blonde and so easy on the eyes. Yes, Sydney knows him, too.
Vince Vaughn: He’s a sweet little baby I have NO chance with.
Vincent Dâ€™Onofrio: Giant bug monster aside, the man is out of this world.
David Duchovany: Truthfully I have a better shot at any of the Lone Gunmen â€˜cuz geeks dig me.
Mark Ruffalo: I ran out of metaphors but you get my drift.
Sorry about all the married men listed above. Most of them were on my list before their nuptials, so I’m not crossing them off. I saw them first, dammit!
My latest addition to this list is Dennis Rodman. I know, I know, but I have my reasons, and they equal a long and entertaining story best told over a bottle of wine. Maybe when I know you better, I’ll share all the graphic details. Until then, I’m putting that story in the lockbox, the way Al Gore intended.
July 12th, 2005
I saw Fantastic Four on Friday with my best bud, Jean Luc. He had tickets for a screening with the director of FF on Saturday night, but he couldn’t wait to see the film. So he hit the theatres early Friday afternoon, and I tagged along.
Overall, I liked it. It was a little cheesy at first, but it quickly picked up the pace. But honestly, I wasn’t really there for the story. I was there to mack on Julian Mc Mahon.
Oh c’mon, you know Julian. He’s the hot surgeon on Nip/Tuck. He was the hot demon in love with Phoebe Halliwell on “Charmed“. He was the hot FBI agent on “Profiler“. He might soon be the next (and hottest) James Bond. Show some respect people, the man is FINE!.
I know he is Dannii Minogue’s idiotexhusband, but I really don’t care. Just because that relationship didn’t work, doesn’t mean he’s a bad, bad man. (And if he is, I might like him even more!) I’m willing to give him a second chance at love. Yes, I’m a giver that way.
So imagine my horror when Jean Luc told me Julian Mc Mahon was at the FF screening Saturday night.
Oh, wait, it gets better!
Jean Luc went to the screening with Sydney and her husband, Caesar. Remember them? I tend to crash their parties. Check out my “Here for the Party” post from June 9, 2005, for a refresher.
Sydney bought a $99 raffle ticket for a chance to win a luxurious vacation package to Australia. And she won! How awesome was that? Now here’s the best part:
Julian Mc Mahon handed her her prize, with a big hug and a kiss!
When Jean Luc first related this, I though he said the director handed her prize with a hug and a kiss. It wasn’t until he repeated the story that I understood it was Julian Mc Mahon. And when I finally got it, it wasn’t pretty.
Jean Luc: I told you yesterday, it was Julian Mc Mahon.
Flo: (indignant) Uh no! You said it was the director. I couldn’t care less about the director!
Jean Luc: No, it was Julian Mc Mahon.
Flo: Well, I get that now!…How did he look in person? Is he tall? I love tall. He looks tall on screen. Was he as pretty in person as he is when he is twelve feet tall on the screen?
Jean Luc: I’m not a good gauge at that. I don’t know if he’s pretty.
Flo: (impatient) Oh c’mon, does he look better in person than he does on film?
Jean Luc: (pauses) Yeah, he looked good in person. The girls were definitely checking him out. (chuckles)
Flo: (now annoyed that I missed seeing this for myself) Did you know he was going to be there? I thought it was just the director. If I knew he would be there, I would have crashed that party, too.
Jean Luc: Yeah, it was a screening from the Australian Film Council. That’s why they gave away a trip to Australia.
Flo: Why wasn’t I invited?
Jean Luc: You could have gone.
Flo: (borderline pissed off) Hmfmph.
Jean Luc: Look, I have to go. Why don’t you call Sydney and complain to her?
Flo: (petulant child voice) Fine.
Jean Luc: (chuckles) I’m gonna go now.
Jean Luc: (amused) Talk to you later.
Yeah, so thanks a lot Jean Luc. Like I want to hear any more about your stupid screening that I didn’t want to attend anyway. I had so much fun watching reruns of whatever really memorable show was playing on the Bravo network last night…all alone in my crappy apartment on a Saturday night. But I’m not bitter. No, I’m not wondering if the domain name idiotexfriend.com is taken yet. Nope, not me.
Call me, Julian!
July 10th, 2005