Archive for August, 2005
Email message from Endicott (my soon to be ex-husband) to Flo
Sent: Tue, 16 Aug 2005 12:06:34 -0400
Subject: endicott
Sorry about the late night call. Reading that was a slap in the face, or a wake-up at least. I thought at some level you still liked me, but it is hard to tell. I feel I’m a fool for loving you. I’m sick of being despised by you. I never knew you had it in you to think of me that way.
Love,
Endicott
PS my phone died in the middle of talking with you…what you might not have heard is that your friends still love you, but don’t be surprised that they dont understand…I could go on but you probably have heard enough from me.
Voicemail message from Endicott to Flo
Received Tuesday, August 16th, 10am
Its Tuesday morning, and, uh, despite all this crap — and it is — I still love you. It really hurts, but I still love you. Its not a guilt thing and I don’t expect anything from it. Bye.
Voicemail message from Endicott to Flo
Received Tuesday, August 16th, 12:39pm
Hey, I’m calling because I’m gonna be leaving Los Angeles in about a half hour and I’ll be in Orange County. So if there’s any reason you want to get in touch with me, you can try me at the Orange County number. I’ll also have my pager with me as well, but the work number is probably best.
I don’t really have anything left to say anymore. We finished the taxes and we’ll probably have to do this year’s taxes as well. So, if and when you need my assistance with something, feel free to call, but I’ll make it a point of not trying bother you after this phone call. I may email you, you don’t have to respond to those either.
Anyway, I’m sorry you feel the way you do. I thought we were making some sort of friendly progress with each other, but I guess I’m incapable of dealing with that. And you obviously have your feelings about me as well. And I never expected to change them, I just thought at least we could be friends, but that doesn’t seem like it is possible. I mean if you have so much disregard and write the things you do, and you know, your other friends are continuing to assault me with stupid phone calls, and stuff like that. You know, hey, if that’s the world you want to be in, then fine.
I wish you wouldn’t misrepresent me to your family. And, I don’t know, I’m kinda disappointed in other things besides the way our relationship went. Its hard to communicate these things with you to you when things are one-sided and you’ve already made up your mind. And some of the things you say don’t really reflect the way the situation was. And well, anyway, that’s that. So, well, if that’s the way you want it, that’s the way you want it. You know, feel free to call me, uh, if you ever want to.
I mean, I didn’t realize me calling you so much, and being Endicott, and me having the feelings I did, just put such a crimp in you, and your lifestyle, and changed you. I feel responsible and partially to blame because a lot of the things that you say in your writings are obviously how you feel and somehow I feel I’m responsible for making you miserable. And that was not my intention. I don’t know, the way it comes across, is like it seems like some grand plan to make you miserable, and well, anyway…
I think you’re a great person, or had the potential to be, but if you don’t want to talk to me, you don’t want to have a real anything, yeah, that’s the way it goes.
Yeah, and I said our retirement, I never said my retirement. Its money that I earned before we were married, but I was more than happy to give it to my wife just like I gave her a ring , an engagement ring, and you know, an engagement ring, it’s a ring, but its got strings attached — that’s the whole point of being enganged.
You know, then there are things like for better or for worse, and you know, I never gave up on you, but clearly it seems like you’ve given up on me. So I guess I should just take the hint.
Anyway, I’d be lying to say I wasn’t disappointed, because I am. I’m tremendously disappointed.
I have other things I could say. But without even knowing you’re getting this or acknowledging it or even hearing, its hard to, its probably pointless to say anymore.
Well, I love you. You take care.
Email sent from Endicott to Flo
Sent: Thu, 18 Aug 2005 15:46:34 -0400
Dear Flo:
I have read your recent postings. I’m sorry you feel the way you do.
I feel my talking to you is making things worse, that is not my goal, but that is what happens.
Aside from all the trauma between us, I will always love you, I’ll always wish you the best, and I’ll always remember you fondly. I wish I could kiss you goodbye.
I’m so sorry for the years of pain you had to endure. Someday, perhaps you will remeber something nice about me. There are many more nice things I’d like to say, but I’ll quit while I’m ahead, before I can wreck e-mail as well.
I hope you will find someone that will love you the way you deserve to be loved, in the way I do in my heart, but could never accomplish for you, despite my efforts.
Love forever, and God bless you always.
August 21st, 2005
Voicemail message from Endicott (my soon to be ex-husband) to Flo
Received Monday, August 15th, 10:33pm
Hi Flo, this is Endicott, I’m calling from my mom’s number at 323-555-1212 (not his real number). The other phone ran out of juice, probably in the part of the rant where I went from expressing my displeasure and disappointment, to the point I usually go, which is I still love you.
You know, I totally mishandled that, which is par for the course, mostly because the whole thing was kinda shocking. And, I don’t know, I felt that lately things have been going well and obviously they weren’t so, I don’t know.
Your friends really care about you. It just doesn’t mean that they understand what’s going on. But if you want to, you can call me back. Bye.
That last paragraph about ‘your friends really care about you,’ refers to Ruth, her husband, and about a dozen other people who all think I’ve lost my damn mind. As if leaving a controlling, manipulative relationship is a BAD thing! But somehow, Ruth et al, don’t agree with me.
The more resistance I felt from them, the more I tried to convince Ruth and others, that divorce was a reasonable, healthy choice for me. Unfortunately, the more I protested, the more insane I seemed to them! I guess everyone likes to think, “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.” Consequently, I don’t keep in contact with those people anymore.
I briefly flirted with the idea of contacting Ruth again — until Monday night when Endicott first dropped that line about my friends still loving me.
‘They care about you, Flo. They’re just confused and don’t know what’s going on. They still love you.’
What is there to be confused about? I can’t stand being around Endicott and I left. Unless they’re getting conflicting information (and Endicott swears he only sings my praises — HA!), I don’t get the ‘confusion.’
Whether he admits it or not, it seems he did a great job at communicating my supposed insanity to others. But when he tried pulling that crap on me Monday night, I shut him down. He got as far as, “Flo, you’ve been acting crazy for awhile now…” before I realized that was another way he tried to push my buttons.
In virtually every argument we’ve ever had, he would throw in an irrelevent topic, and I’d automatically address. Even when I knew it wasn’t a valid point, I couldn’t help but pick a position, then defend it. In every disagreement, I fell for this nonsense and would always fold like a cheap card table.
On Monday night when he tried drawing attention away from his share of the blame in our failed marriage by calling me ‘crazy,’ I wasn’t instantly sent into a defensive mode. Instead, it actually cracked me up.
Finally, I could see his actions for what they really were: smoke screens. They were one of his myriad ways of controlling me. The saddest part was that I let him do this for years.
No more, Endicott.
Ugh,
Flo
August 18th, 2005
Endicott (my soon to be ex-husband) was really hurt after reading my posts three nights ago. I haven’t heard him that upset since I told him I wanted out of our marriage. From what he said, he still harbored hopes we’d get back together. I’m hoping he finally gets that will never happen.
One of the things he said to me that evening was that my posts were one-sided. Well, yeah, its MY website, Endicott. If you don’t like it, get your own!
When he finally composed himself, he moved swiftly into his usual condescending tone, “You lie to yourself, Flo. You tell yourself any lie you have to to make yourself feel good, and make it okay for you to write the things you wrote.”
Since we were talking on the phone, he didn’t see my jaw drop. But he did hear my shrieking, “WHAT?!”
Thinking about it now, that’s a pretty funny statement coming from him. I’ve said for years that he lies, he exagerates, he’ll let me believe something when he knows its not true, and worst of all, he’ll say anything he can to hurt and upset me.
Here’s the difference between us: When I was angry at him, I called him names; usually jackass, idiot, a-hole — you get the idea. When he was angry with me, he would say I never loved him. He knew that wasn’t a truthful statement, but he would say it anyway. He didn’t care about any lasting damage saying something like that could cause. His point was to wound me — and it worked. I used to fall over myself trying to explain how untrue that was, how much I loved him, and why he shouldn’t talk to me like that. After he calmed down, we’d make nice and everything would go back to ‘normal,’ until the next big fight. Then he’d say that same crap (and a lot worse) all over again.
After hanging up the phone, I spent much of the evening reading and rereading all my posts. I questioned my tone, my motivations, and my memories — especially my memories! I tried to remember everything that happened and the order in which it happened. Unlike Endicott, I’m trying hard to be honest with my readers, and most importantly, myself.
Did I include every minute detail? No, of course not. I included the most important moments for me. If those moments weren’t flattering for me, I still wrote about them. I tried to own up to my own bad behavior, with or without Endicott in the story.
So after much reflection, I have to say I really believe my blog is an accurate portrayal of events in my suck-ass marriage, and my suck-ass life in general.
If Endicott doesn’t like what he reads, that’s too damn bad. Maybe he’ll think twice before he pulls that manipulative, controlling bullshit on me again. But I won’t hold my breath.
No lie!
Flo!
August 18th, 2005
Whenever the subject of my website comes up, I usually get two reactions: hysterical laughter, or stone cold silence. On the subject of divorce (and my slightly polarizing url address), there seems to be no middle ground; either you get the joke or you don’t.
No matter what the reaction, the next question is always the same — a variation on, “Has your husband read the site?” I usually respond, “No, I don’t think so. I told him about the site a long, long time ago, but I think he forgot the name. I’m sure as soon as he reads it, I’ll definitely hear about.”
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I heard about it tonight…and it was bad. Endicott did not take the news well. NOT AT ALL.
But who can blame him? I can’t imagine how shocking it must be to read almost six months of angry rants about oneself all in an hour. Especially since we’ve been almost civil to each other for the last several days. I guess that’s over!
I have a lot more to say on the matter, but I’m tired, sleep deprived and not exactly feeling in my right mind right now, so its best I log off before things get even worse. But don’t worry about me. Its not like I didn’t know this day was coming.
Adios,
Flo
August 15th, 2005
There was a new pix message on my cell phone yesterday morning. I didn’t recognize the number, but I opened it anyway. I was walking out the door when the photo stopped me in my tracks. It was a camera photo of Ruth and I from her birthday party last January.
That day a big group of us went winetasting in Temecula, CA. Ruth’s husband was the designated driver/panini maker. Who packs a picnic and brings a panini maker? Ruth’s husband does — and those sandwiches were awesome!
It was fun, but I recall feeling a little uncomfortable. I knew Ruth wanted to invite my then estranged husband, Endicott, but didn’t out of respect for me. Or maybe it was really fear that Endicott and I would fight and ruin her birthday? (We came awfully close to doing that the day of Ruth’s wedding, but I’m not sure she noticed at the time!) That’s probably the most likely reason. Either way, she chose me over him that day.
I stood there staring at that pix message for a good minute, with my jaw on the floor, before remembering I already had that photo in my saved messages. It was sent to me the day of Ruth’s birthday by her friend, Don. I wrote down the number from the message, dialed it and waited for the voicemail. Sure enough, it was Don’s voice. I hung up without leaving a message, but wondered why he sent me the photo again. And why at 12:23am?
When I spoke to Endicott later that day, I mentioned the pix message from Don. Endicott said, “Yeah, I was supposed to catch up with those guys last night for wine tasting in Glendale, but I couldn’t make it there.”
Oh, that explains it! Ruth’s friends got together, drank wine, then send out a pix message to taunt me!… I’m just kidding about the taunting. I’m sure it was good natured, without any ill will intended. Right? That’s the way I chose to take it, anyhow.
I sent a text message reply to Don: thanks.
Is this pix message a signal that everything’s cool between us? Am I supposed to call Ruth? Send a note or email? Expect a note or email?
Too bad there isn’t a greeting card for this situation, ‘cuz I could really use a, ‘Sorry-we-freaked-out — wanna-call-a-truce-and-start-over’ card. If someone makes it, I’ll have to buy that sucker by the case/ream/whatever.
I have a half dozen photos from Ruth’s birthday (including the panini machine) I kept meaning to send to her. I figured they’d probably never make it to her considering everything that’s happened in the last several months. Maybe now’s a good time to send them. Should I strike while the panini machine is still hot?
Best wishes,
Flo
August 10th, 2005
I had lunch with my soon to be ex-husband, Endicott, Friday afternoon. I know, I know…but we have a few unfinished matters to sort through. That’s a whole post all on its own!
Somehow, we got to the topic of ‘our’ friends. Very few of ‘our’ friends stayed neutral. Most picked him or me, depending on who they met first. That’s okay with me — it only makes sense. The one exception to that rule was my girlfriend of fifteen years, Ruth. That defection was the one that really hurt.
Endicott swears up and down that he never said anything bad about me to anyone.
He insists that if anyone refuses to speak to me (read Ruth and her husband) it has nothing to do with him. It happened because one of those persons (Ruth’s husband), “freaks out about everything. That’s the way he is. You know that. ”
I know that when I spoke to Ruth and her husband about my separation from Endicott, I said things weren’t working out between us, Endicott drives me nuts, but I’m okay. I know I made it clear that I wouldn’t harbor any ill will if they stayed in contact with him. I meant it, even though I constantly bit my tongue to keep myself from dumping all my angry, bitter crap onto them.
Knowing Endicott, I’m sure he didn’t do the same thing. I’d bet every lunch or dinner between him and Ruth’s husband was one giant bloodletting. I can imagine him saying all the untrue bullshit he screams at me when I refuse to go back to him. ‘I did everything for her and she didn’t appreciated it. That IRA I put in her name was for MY retirement and she stole it from me. She did nothing, NOTHING, in our relationship. She helped my mother a little, but really she did nothing but shop at Nordstrom’s and buy things.’
Surprise, surprise; after all those meetings, in which Endicott absolutely didn’t say anything bad about me (sure), people stop talking to me.
So when Endicott tried to sell me this latest line of bullshit about everyone turning against me except him — because no matter what happens he’ll always love me - I didn’t feel angry so much as sad. Sad that he doesn’t see that he is trapped in a hell of his own making.
He did say one surprising thing, though. He said Ruth would probably like to hear from me. I replied, “Then she should call me. But she made her choice by picking you over me, instead of both of us. So eff her.”
That stayed in my head all day yesterday, and well into this morning. If she wants to talk to me, why doesn’t she just call me? If she’s nice to me, I’d be nice to her. I sure won’t bring up any unpleasantness from the last eight months of our separation. I’d love to forget the whole seven and a half years of Endicott, but that’ll never happen.
I don’t understand what’s stopping her from calling me, but I do know what’s keeping me from calling her. It’s more than her husband’s disapproval. Its the uncomfortable pauses between us, her judgmental responses to my ideas, and my plans. If she’s really my friend, its hard to tell from my end.
Having said all that, I still miss her. I miss the shorcuts to our shared jokes, and knowing someone that completely gets growing up in Riverside, CA. (In case you don’t know Riverside, you’re missing out on a charming, but seriously boring city for anyone but the senior set. If I had a nickel for every time Ruth and I drove around looking for things to do, I could buy my own charming bungalow in downtown Riverside, near Ruth.)
Mostly grown up, but still missing my friend,
Flo
August 7th, 2005