Resolutions

January 11th, 2006

A few days ago, I promised to review the crazy-ass month that was December: the highs, the lows, the wine, and especially the whine. I have so much to cover, I’m not sure where to start. So, of course, I’ll do what I always do when overwhelmed: avoid and retreat! Yeah, uh-huh, I’ll cover that stuff tomorrow.

Right now, I’m fixated on a different topic for today’s post: New Year’s resolutions.

Like most people, I make resolutions every year. I write out little lists of things I hope to accomplish: eating healthy, regular exercise, reading one current novel a month, etc., etc. While they look great on paper, the items on my lists are rarely thought out. Heck, they are rarely carried out!

So this year, let’s just call this list exactly what it is: New Year’s resolutions I will NEVER keep! That’s right, I’m making a list of my New Year’s reNOlutions.

ReNOlution #1: Take that stripper class at the S Factor studios. Who am I kidding? I’m waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too shy and demure to do this! Not to mention, self-conscious, awkward, and not the least bit sensual. While I’m at it, how about I sign up for an amateur dance contest at Crazy Girls?

ReNOlution #2: Accept any of the dozens of offers for a threesome. Listen up, freaks: just because I’m separated and vulnerable does not mean I will be used. I am also NOT “experimental” or “bi-curious” dammit! So, for the love of all that is holy, please stop the following cheesy behaviors:

Exhibit A: inviting me to spend the evening in your hotel room with you and your husband, to, you know, talk.

Exhibit B: hugging me and my girlfriend then saying this would be so much better if we were all horizontal.

While they are thoroughly amusing, these gestures are completely unwelcome and should be stopped immediately…But then again, ask me next year.

ReNOlution #3: Give up the big three vices in my life: alcohol/pot/coffee. Okay, the word vice is a little strong. Sure, I drink coffee daily, but I also drink half a gallon of water a day. When I smoke, it is once, maybe twice a month. As for the alcohol, it is mostly wine, and beer, two to three times a week. Unless there’s a special occassion or big ol’ party, my consumption is usually no more than 2 servings. With the exception of Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving, and most of the parties that included my New Friend, I’m usually a big fan of moderation. Even if I drank an entire pot of coffee, smoked a bunch of green stuff, then drank a bottle of wine all by myself, that’s still sounds like a fun evening…I’m one crazy weekend away from an intervention, aren’t I?

Now that I’ve covered all the stuff I won’t do this year, it’s about time I listed my one real goal for the coming year.

Resolution for 2006: Forgive my idiot (soon to be) ex-husband. Now that we’ve been separated for over a year, this is finally getting easier. I can (usually) drive in his neighborhood without thinking about the fight we had at Trader Joe’s. Or how I was so angry I couldn’t think straight and just wanted to be left alone. I got out of the car at the signal light, said I was going to walk the ten blocks back to home.

Guess his reaction.

He followed me in his Jeep, at slow speed, for over ten minutes. People in other cars stared at us as he pleaded with me, “Flo, please get in the car. Just get in the car. Flo, I’m begging you to please get in the car.” Ten minutes of non-stop begging, people! I finally gave in, got into the car, refused to speak to him for hours.

I’m sad to say this was not an isolated incident. That sort of thing happened on a regular basis, even after we separated.If you were at the LA Times Festival of Book last April, you might have seen me briskly walking away from Endicott, while he chased after me, pleading, “Flo, please slow down. I’m trying to talk to you. I have a bad knee, I can’t keep up with you.”

I don’t know how many times I hissed, “Jackass, I don’t want you to keep up with me! I want you to leave me alone! For f*ck’s sake, Endicott, just leave me alone!”

For years, he smoothered me until I ran away. He chased after me, only to pester/plead/publicly humiliate me into getting his way. Each time it happened, my resentment grew, and any respect I had for him diminished. It took some time before I understood my share of the blame. Every time I gave in to him, I taught him how to treat me; well, mistreat me.

That pattern of stupidity doesn’t happen any more. Sure, he calls occassionally, but I don’t phone him back. He writes emails, and I ususally ignore them. It took a year, but he finally got the hint and left me alone.

Now that I finally have some peace, and am mostly free from him, I think I can finally forgive him…But then again, ask me next year.

Adios,
Flo