Taking it all in

March 25th, 2006

I was changing into my work clothes — which look exactly like my casual clothes because that’s how formal my job is — last Tuesday when I caught my reflection in the mirror. For a good minute or two, I didn’t see myself the way I usually do; full of flaws, so many pounds overweight, two weeks overdue on my walks in the Canyon. I forgot about all of that, and just took a long look at this woman in front of me.

I’m no lesbian, but I gotta say, she looked pretty okay! Sure, she could stand to lose a little weight, but that wasn’t all that noticeable. Her long neck, broad shoulders — but not the least bit manly! — and her breasts were bare and…well, attractive.

I saw myself the way a new lover might see me for the first time. I wasn’t goofy, neurotic Flo, but an appealing, alluring woman; a participant in someone else’s adventures.

As I looked into my own eyes, I thought, “Gawd, I have GOT to stop reading that Bukowski book!”

That thought snapped me out of whatever hypnotic state I was in. Immediately, the insecurities and doubts resurfaced, and along with them, the promises to exercise this, lose that, and tone up a, b, c, and d returned.

After I dressed, I gathered up my purse and cell phone, ready to head out the door for the day, when I saw myself again in the mirror. I recalled that special, honest moment “we” shared. It was free of doubt, fear, and shame. It has been soooooooooooooo long since I felt that free and comfortable in my own skin. It was nice that when it finally returned, it was just for me; not the result of some man building up my confidence, convincing me that I am attractive and wanted. I saw myself for the woman I am — and I liked her…me…us.

But I’m still going back to the hiking trail!

See ya,
Flo