Promises, promises
Any regular reader here at IXH knows I’m not exactly a consistent blogger. If anything, I’m a total slacker in that area. It’s a damn shame, too, given how many stories I want to share with you.
My current count is up to a dozen. That number goes up to two dozen if I include the stuff I promised to never post…Those stories are the best! Those are the ones I get emails about. Okay, that’s not entirely true. I got one email on it once, but the rest of the inquiries were lots and lots of phone calls from friends and family members. Those untold stories are the ones I WOULD get email about if I actually posted them…But I won’t. (Ask me why. Go ahead. You know you want to!) I can’t tell you about them because I oh-so-stupidly promised to keep it to myself.
Why would I do such a thing? ‘Cuz I’m a sucka!
I mistakenly believed that making that promise would prove my sincerity and deem me trustworthy in the eyes of someone I sincerely adore…Of course, that didn’t happen. (Duh!)
Trust doesn’t happens overnight. It’s built over time; earned through years of shared experiences, and more often, shared secrets.
So, yes, without thinking, I gave up more than I should have…But don’t think I didn’t try to get it back. I asked a whole lot of the following questions, “But what if I don’t write about you exactly, but I say, ‘I did this and this and it was that!’ Wouldn’t that be okay?!”
Imagine my disappointment when the reply was no.
At first, it didn’t seem like a big deal to give up these posts. I already self-censor stories that could seriously hurt others (that includes my soon to be ex-husband, Endicott). But very quickly, I realized what I really gave up: my voice.
But hey, a promise is a promise. And I intend to keep this one.
In fact, I just renegotiated the terms to include that this person, who I promised to never again post stories about on the internet (notice I said nothing about books, interviews, short films, and media not yet invented? I’m kidding!), can never write about me.
I know it’s a silly request given that no one would ever write about me. The important thing is that it feels like parity, even if it really isn’t.
The more I think about it, the less likely I am to exercise this option. I go back and forth on this as I ask myself, “When is it okay to interfere? And if one does, is it quieting someone else’s voice? Isn’t it only fair to protect yourself? But is there really anything to protect yourself from? For f*ck’s sake, why is this bothering me so much?! Is it too late to take this back?! Am I the only person who has a problem with this?! Oh my gawd, what have I done?!”
I know plenty of people who have no problem telling others what to think/feel/say/do. That’s just not me…not usually!
…I’m in big trouble, huh?
I’ll be good, I promise!
Flo
Add comment April 14th, 2006