Idiot Ex Husband .com

No pressure

April 19th, 2006

I’m a creature of habit. Every morning, I do the same thing, in the same order: I get up, get out of bed, drag a comb across my head (I couldn’t resist!) before I step on my bathroom scale.

Every day, I saw the same number. A few weeks ago that number went down, and down…then it went down further than that! Without much effort, I lost five pounds!

Most girls would be pleased with that result. In case it’s not yet obvious, I’m not most girls.

That’s when my cell phone rang. “Dude,” I squealed to my best bud, Jean Luc, “I just stepped on the scale! I think I lost five pounds!”

JL: “That’s great! How did you do that?”

Flo: “I did what the chiropractor suggested: I cut back on my breads and pastas, and stopped eating sugars.”

JL: “Well, that will do it. Congratulations!”

I finally stepped off the scale. “Uh, thanks, I guess.” I sighed as I began pacing the bathroom. “I should be happy…”

JL: “Yeah, that’s right. You should be happy.”

(No reply from me.)

JL: “But?” he asked.

Flo: “But I’m not happy! My heart is racing — I’m kinda freaking out!”

JL: “Oh that’s great, Flo!” He laughed out loud. “Only you would get upset about losing weight!”

Flo: “I’ve wanted to lose this stupid (bad marriage) weight for so long, that when it finally happens, I don’t think I can maintain it!”

JL: “That’s just like the movie (I forgot the title — sorry!). A guy inherits a house. He can’t deal with the overwhelming responsibility of being a home owner, so he drinks. The opening scene finds him drunk in a ditch!”

Flo: “Oh gawd, that could totally happen to me! Only I’d wake up one morning with my head in the ‘fridge, surrounded by empty pudding cups and a spoon stuck in my hair!”

Jean Luc laughed out loud. “I like it!”

“Don’t laugh, Dude,” I said as I walked back onto my bathroom scale, “it could happen.”

There’s always room for Jello,
Flo

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