I’ve said it many times before, but it bears repeating: I’m no J.Lo.
My soon to be ex-husband, Endicott, loved calling me F.Lo. as a joke though I never thought that was funny. I always scrunched up my face before I said, “Dude, my name isn’t F.Lo, it’s Flooooooo. Sheesh!”
Even so, that nickname almost stuck when deeply tanned and two days into our two week Caribbean island hopping adventure, I found a rack of fabulous gold sunglasses in San Juan, Puerto Rico. I squealed, “I love these! They are so J.Lo! Oh, I look sooooooooooo good in these! They even have little Fs on the side!”
Before you ask, I’ll admit that I do enjoy her films. If I catch one while channel surfing, I have no choice but to watch the rest of the movie. (Sandra Bullock’s films have the same affect on me.) I’m not a fan. I don’t buy her music, movies, clothing line, fragrances, or anything else which fuels her empire. I just enjoy that ‘good but slightly sexy girl next door who doesn’t realize how truly special she really is’ quality she works so well and so often.
Though I’ve been told that I have a similar appeal, I never bought it. Those weren’t impartial opinions — they came from ex-boyfriends and Endicott. He liked describing me as a pert Latina! While that’s complimentary, and very amusing, it is also completely inaccurate. I’m not hot; I’m a big, goofy, neurotic freak…And yet, I’m not treated like a freak. I get hit on several times a day, every single day.
I don’t understand it, I sure as heck can’t explain it, but I recognize it. It must be one of those natural phenonema that makes no common sense. Unless you are a physicist, and can work out the very complicated math to explain it all, you just have to accept it for what it is; like water running uphill.
As much as I complain about my non-existant love life, you’d think I’d be all over these offers. I could easily go out several nights a week, date a couple of people, or take a lover. (That sounds so worldly and sophisticated — not qualities that I command!)
With very few exceptions, I don’t find these would-be suitors appealing. If they’re not funny and tall and charming and incredibly intelligent AND (this is the biggie!) a good fit with me, I’m not interested. If I can’t have all of the qualities that I love, love, love, I’d rather have nothing at all….Well, usually…
Recently, I experienced a moment of weakness. I told my best bud, Jean Luc, “I think I’m going to sleep with So-and-So.”
“You’ve only been saying that since you met him two months ago!”
“No, no, no! Okay, yes, the first night I met him, he was very attractive. But on the date we had a few weeks later, I couldn’t remember what I saw in him. That’s when I decided, ‘This will never be romantic. It’ll be fun and friendly. That’s it.’ ”
Jean Luc didn’t buy it. “Uh-huh.”
I continued, “But now I’m thinking I will go there. You know what made me change my mind?”
It was much too dark to tell if he rolled his eyes, but I think he might have when he said, “No…What made you change your mind?”
“It was during a movie when he touched my shoulder. He wanted to point out some movie moments, like the Pac-Man in the background.”
“Boy, he is a (movie) geek!”
I giggled, “Yes, he is. He’s also nice. I realized I really want to be touched again. And I could soooooooooooooo use the practice…Sure, it will never be a real relationship, but that’s okay. I just want passion and closeness again.”
“Now you sound like a guy.”
I mulled that over as Jean Luc drove us back to the Valley. Before heading home, he suggested we hit Tommy’s for a fast food nightcap.
Over chili dogs, I reflected on my crushes, past and present. “Dude, it’s too bad a certain someone is too old for me. I really liked him…”
In an equally sober tone, he agreed, “…Yeah, that is too bad.”
“With So and so (the movie geek), I think his real appeal is that I’m lonely…” I watched the cars driving past the world famous hamburger stand. Don’t they know what they’re missing? I wondered.
“It won’t always be that way, Flo.”
If I stay strong, and wait for the right situation, with the right person, at the right time in both our lives, it will be worth the wait.
I’m gonna be alright…right?
Add comment June 19th, 2006