Stop crying your heart out
Though yesterday’s post read like all my previous, “Now do you see how my soon to be ex-husband is a jackass?” stories, it was meant to be more than that. It was unclear because I mistakenly left out a couple of facts that I’d like to include here.
The last several times we spoke, even when he asked me to return to our oh-so-happy union, I didn’t yell at Endicott. I didn’t react with instant anger as I did prior to mid-June 2006. I treated him with kindness, and respect while I firmly stood my ground. In short, I treated him the way I would like to be treated…I know! I wouldn’t believe me either!
I’m not sure how to explain this without blowing the little bit of discretion I own, but here goes:
In the last two months, I’ve befriended several divorced men. (No, that’s not a euphemism for anything naughty or sensational…as far as you know!) While I didn’t get the particulars of their stories, their halves of the inevitable he-said, she-said bits every divorced person is ready to recite at a moment’s notice (I knew better than to ask!), I saw the results of their failed relationships. With few exceptions they are wounded men, hurt to their very cores. It occured to me that we divorced persons (men and women) all share the same traumatic experience. We are all heartbroken and beat-up, occassionally nostalgic, and always hopeful that love and trust can be ours again.
I haven’t had much practice with that last bit (love and trust) since leaving my husband many moons ago. If anything, I’m flirting with the feelings like and trust. I’m slowly becoming reacquainted with the unexpected, but not unwelcome, sensations known as friendship and fun. I’ll let you know how it goes.
I know Endicott didn’t purposely hurt me. He did his best to be a good man and a good husband to me. It didn’t work, of course!, but I know he tried. Just as I wasn’t as kind to him as I could have been…but I’m working on it. I’ll let you know how that goes, too.
So, yes, I’m trying to forgive him…but I’ll never go back to him.
Though it’ll probably be awhile before I stop feeling bad about our broken marriage, I have it on very good authority that I will get through this. Ideally, I’d like to do more than survive. I want to thrive! I want to be one of those rare persons that actually drops all of her baggage, never to revisit it again. I’m not sure how I — one of the world’s angrier women — could possibly do that, but I sure as heck want to try! I want this more than I’ve wanted anything in quite some time. I think I’m finally ready to do it instead of just talking about doing it.
Last month, I didn’t yell at him. I felt sorrow and regret that 1) we can never go back to the happy place we shared for the first half of our relationship; and 2) he could not let me go, just as I could not release my bitterness.
What is it that all the twelve step followers say, realizing you have a problem is the first step to recovery? I recognize I have a problem. I desperately want to fix it…I’m making an appointment with someone tomorrow.
I have so much work to do…
Adios,
Flo
Add comment July 4th, 2006