In the details
Today was a hard day at work. Apparently, I had no idea what I was getting into with my latest temp assignment. I’m working for an anal retentive CEO of a development company who is (as of my first day of work) increasingly tense as she moved to fire her personal assistant. That finally came down today, but before I could get out of her way. I sooooooooooooooo did not help relieve the tension in the office!
By now, you must have a sense of how completely UN-anal retentive I am. I’m generally laid back, upbeat, occasionally funny and intent on doing whatever menial, unimportant gig I happen to have as well and as quickly as possible. Unlike most people, I actually care about my work. I like to think that I do it well as I’ve been told repeatedly by employers that I am a good assistant. Hell, after four days at my last gig, the department manager offered me a full time job as soon as the position opened up again. She thought it could happen within two weeks, but could not promise anything as it’s dependant on several factors. So, basically, I do not suck! But you wouldn’t know that by what happened today.
I’ll spare you the painful details (no I won’t) except to say that an anal retentive CEO (ARCEO if you will) + an incompetent personal assistant + expensive severance package = tense, super duper nit-picky boss. Add in a dash of upbeat, laid back temp with imperfect notes to said ARCEO and you get five or six tense versions of, “Did I not explain this to you correctly the first time? We just have to go over this again to get this right. This has to be two lines, not one. You have to have the dash right there. It must read, ‘Taxes - BS’ on one line with the year ‘2007′ on the next line. The print must be the same exact size and the same exact font or it will drive me crazy. Because it is a company file, the label print must be blue. It then is placed in a blue plastic hanging folder. You have a blue paper hanging folder here. You must remember it HAS to be plastic. The thin label on top must have blue on the edges, with blue print, all in CAPS, that reads, ‘Taxes - BS 2007,’ all on one line.” That was an easy example. Many of the others were so out of control, I just couldn’t get it for the longest time.
Truthfully, I’m not the most detail oriented person. I get my trivia wrong all the time. Recently, a very sharp friend of mine mentioned meeting Chuck Yeager on a plane. I responded with, “Oh, the astronaut.” No, he was the first pilot to break the sound barrier. I stopped listening for a minute as I thought, “Oh my God, I’m an idiot. He flew planes, not spaceships. But I thought he was in, ‘The Right Stuff.’ Which f*cking movie was he really in? Doesn’t matter because I now look like a moron.” I couldn’t shake the embarrasment for the rest of the evening. Even now, I cringe at the memory. Once I looked up Chuck Yeager on Wikipedia I didn’t feel so bad, as I was right about his portrayal in, ‘The Right Stuff,’ but still wrong about the aircraft he flew. That same evening, I confused the date of the Iraqi invasion of Kuwait with the beginning of the First Gulf War. According to Wikipedia, it was actually the Second Gulf War, not the First though that’s its familiar name. I wasn’t wrong about the start date. Why is any of this important to me? Why am I still scarred by this a month later? Because I hate getting facts wrong. It’s like I have a hand written sign taped to my back that reads, ‘I’m stoopid!’ It tells everyone that I’m an idiot, when, in truth, I wasn’t always dumb! My brain stopped working right many years ago. Recent medical finding offer an explanation; chronic pain may shrink the human brain, (I have rheumathoid arthritis) but that doesn’t help much when I can’t think straight and people think I’ve ALWAYS been a friggin’ moron. I just wait to yell, “I wasn’t always dumb! I was smart…once! A long, long time ago.” My constant state of stress only increases my chances of looking like a dumb ass.
Imagine how well I took today’s repeated scoldings from my AFCEO. Even when her assistant / development executive (it’s a long story that comes down to the AFCEO’s expectation that her assistant play both rolls with the proposed TV pilot as well as the upcoming film and the this and the that - sheesh) told me she probably couldn’t have done much better with those stupid flippin’ files, I didn’t feel much comfort. All I could think was that my brain let me down again. Here was my big chance to do what I’ve wanted to do for years — work in film and television — and it’s all going down the drain because I didn’t write down ‘plastic.’ I had both paper and plastic folders ready but paperclipped the label to the wrong one. I totally wanted to double check her files, but she didn’t leave her office for more than thirty seconds at a time, so I couldn’t…Most of them still aren’t done, so I have many more opportunities to either fix this situation or make it so unbelievably bad, I’ll be sent home some time before noon…I can’t help but wonder, how could I handle any more responsibility if I can’t get the files right? Is this goofiness what other people see in me? Is that why people I know well won’t help me get another gig when they could make it happen with one phone call? Am I just now realizing how much I suck?
My best bud, Jean Luc, shook his head no. “It’s funny what those thoughts (self-doubt/insecurities/me being me?) will make you believe about yourself.” I think I said, Dude, the assistant is well connected and knows everybody in town. I don’t want her thinking I’m a f*ck-up. “She doesn’t think you’re a f*ck up.”
As I sulked my way out of the office tonight, the assistant called out, ‘Don’t let her get to you and ruin your night.’ I waved goodbye and didn’t look back.
Tomorrow I will try my hardest to get everything right, be upbeat and friendly. If that’s not good enough, I’ll just wave goodbye to all of them and not look back.
Adios,
Flo
Add comment April 3rd, 2007